Sitting in the plush environs of ‘Jannat’, the famous home of Bollywood star The King, the wildly successful trio of film-maker Kkarran and new star/model in her debut film Aa Sharma engage in light banter as they prepare for the release of their latest venture “Patiala Love”. And I had the good fortune to interview them. Here’s how this brilliant discussion, unparalleled in terms of wit and combined I.Q. points, went:
Me: Hello sirs and madam, It’s such a ple-
Kkarran: Hello dear! (swoops in and several air-kisses are thrown about in my direction; Meanwhile Aa giggles profusely, making googly eyes at King)
Me: Erm…ok! So Aa, first off, what is up with your name?
Aa: (Even more giggles) Well my old name had really bad karma as told to me by my guru Shree Jjohnn Söze, God bless him (does some intricate spiritual hand waving). So on his advice I dropped all the unnecessary baggage and shortened by name to Aa.
Me: So what was your old name?
Me: That makes complete sense. So Mr. Khan-
King: (coughs violently)
Me: Erm…Mr. Khan?
King: (Looks at the ceiling and starts twiddling his thumbs, rummaging through the nearest shelf)
Kkarran: (whispers) Call him King, he only answers to King.
Me: Alright, King? What do you have to say about th-
King: (grins impishly and about half a dozen dimples appear all over his aging face) I’m not in this business for the money. I love all my fans. The director is a dear friend of mine, whom I love dearly, in his all loveliness and dearly-ness, pitched the concept of this very unique and young and fresh and touching story. It’s completely different from all of my other films. Did I mention that I love all my fans?
Me: What is it about?
King: It’s a love story.
Me: So Aa, how was it working with such a megastar?
Aa: (Blushes, gushes, giggles and almost froths at the mouth) It was wonderful. Khan sir is so kind. He is so charming. So witty, so dashing, so ro-
Me: Moving on! There are reports in the media that th-
King: My IPL team/soft drink/cell phone/talcum powder is the best in the world, and nothing can convince me otherwise. The media is lying.
Me: I was just going to say there are reports that you had a brawl in a public place recently.
King: (guffaws loudly) No! It was just my way of showing affection to my adoring fans.
Me: There is video evidence of you repeatedly bashing a waiter on the head with your Filmfare trophy.
King: It’s not true.
Me: At one point in the clip, you jump on the table and perform your signature dance move, in your underpants, which was, for some reason, a thong.
King: I was rehearsing for a movie. I’ll be playing a tough cop. Who wears aviators and has a moustache. It’s never been done before.
Aa: And I’m doing the item number! It’s very aesthetically done. It’s called Chameli the *****. Pitbull also features in it, singing a few lines in Hebrew.
Me: How’s that even related to what I’m talking about?
Kkarran: I’m on twitter. Don’t disturb me or I’ll post an angry tweet about you- In capital letters.
Me: I…have to leave now.
Aa: So soon? But we have (names a certain moderately successful Hollywood actor) coming over! Daddy said I have to get my picture with him on the front-page!
King: You haven’t even let me prove why I’m number 1 in the industry! Honest! I used Calculus to deduce that!
(I run out)