Click here to go home

By Mahima Mathur in Wickked! - On

We’re creatures of habit. Day by day, we wake up and follow an anal routine like clockwork. Somewhere deep inside we’re wired that way, by habit or by the brain addling which happened during the alien abductions of the 50’s. When the said routine is disturbed, we hormonally call it a bad day. Between the deadly battle with Alarm (also known as- @%^*& or #&$#$# or $#[email protected]#) and the intimacy with the pot, there are rituals that make us who we are.


Here are some types of people as per their morning rituals. Relate to them and kill yourself:

The I-Can’t-Get-No-Satisfactions

For the ICGNS’s, little bobby’s or little vajayjay’s needs come before everything. Little B’s and V’s rule them and must be serviced before any pure god fearing thought crosses their heads. The dedication is intense, like a horn rimmed glasses wearing serial killer, who doesn’t rest until he’s braided enough dead women’s hair with intricate detail before lunch.

The luckier ICGNS counterparts have an actual warm person available next to them for servicing needs. This is a rare type though.

The Baba and Baby Ramdevs

Their skin glows like thousand suns. Their voice sounds like the chime-y sounds which fresh river waves make. They are very healthy and would like to rub it all over your faces. Every morning you will find them stretched unnaturally on the floor, making noises deemed inappropriate even by those ICGNS types with comforters and comfortable buddies. In between the twister, they pop pieces of lettuce and other things which cows and goats eat, into their mouths.

The Lt. General

The honorary Lt. General has neatly cut nails, short cropped hair and room as clean as a baby’s bottom on good days. He/she believes that day dreaming is not for winners. As soon as full consciousness is attained, a mental to do list is made and chronicled according to the importance of the events. Bedcovers are thrown aside in such a way that they automatically fold themselves. After 28472 push ups, he/she proceeds to save the world. Lt. generals appreciate the health-conscious discipline of the Ramdevs, but mock their self indulgence. They prefer meat over lettuce, because thats what they need after their 200000 pushups.

The Day Dreamers

The arch enemies of Lt. Generals are the day dreamers. The alarm is like a death penalty sentence. It shall be flung around the room. The day dreamer gets up at least six hours after the alarm rings, managing to use snooze to his/her advantage. Once consciousness is regained, he/she lies in the bed for another 6 hours, daydreaming, wanking, texting people how mornings absolutely suck. The DD shall then crawl out of the bed, stick a toothbrush in the mouth and stare vacantly at the mirror for another 6 hours.

Khate Peete Bachhe

This type likes their mornings wrapped in multiple slices of cheese. A breakfast to feed a nation is made and polished off with gusto. When other people are still sleeping, this type is rocking some eggs and toasts and whatnot. They’re happy morning people who make other people like the DD’s want to kill them just because they’re so happy. However, they do pass out again after the big breakfast for a couple of hours.

The Chillers

The chillers are a chilled out bunch. They wake up comfortably without the whining and the alarm angst. Their mornings start with them cranking up the music with coffee dangling from one hand. Like bond with coffee in the wee hours of morning, they surf, chill, crack cases of international intrigue.

The Headbangers

Their alarms are set to some song with a lot of blood and intestines and stuff like that. Before they wake up, their neck automatically starts flexing for some major headbanging, which comes 20 seconds after waking up.

Which one are you?! 

Mahima Mathur

Im a bored coffee slugging cynic, who wants to be a wishy washy green tea sipping believer.

More Stuff By Mahima Mathur | Facebook |

Don't click this! It's a trap! No, seriously. It's a trap for spambots!