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By Ridhii Asrani in Skkreen! - On

If Hollywood has Disney to give unrealistic expectations to women, Bollywood has the 90’s era. The mere mention of ‘Rahul’ and ‘Prem’ is bound to make every chick living in the country weak in her knees and melt her heart like warmmm butter.

Now to set the mood, just revisit SRK running in yellow fields or Salman baring it all in his ‘Oh Oh Jaaney Jaana’ and for the male race – what better than chiffon-clad heroines, gyrating seductively with the Alps as a backdrop. Want all this back? Don’t you?

Here you go, as we rewind with you, the cookie cutter concepts of ‘90s, that we miss and HOWWW !

The Family Angle

There were two kinds of Daddy’s in a 90s Bollywood flick:

- One is the Good Daddy:
Alok Nath, Anupam Kher, Kader Khan. These were rich 98.8% of the time and would pamper their little ‘betis’ and ‘awara betas’ , (who wear suit all the time with their dad and never go to office) with all the luxuries of the world.
Best reference? Every movie which had Govinda and Kader Khan as father and son. Wait, that is equivalent to all David Dhawan movies. No?

- Second is the Bad Daddy:
Amrish Puri, is the epitome of this title.(DDLJ). His eyes almost never blinked in anger.
But who were the green-eyed monsters? We had - Dalip Tahil (Ishq, Solider), Suresh Oberoi (Raja Hindustani, Suhaag).
So what was the best way to show what a powerful wealthy man could be? Put him in a dressing gown of course - a rich affair of brocade - plant him on the sweeping staircase of his manor (sometimes accessorized with a large cigar), and have him ban his daughter from marrying the poor (but proud) young man she'd managed to find under some stone. If the daughter tossed her head, Daddy would summon the poor hero and say: Yeh lo pachchaas hazaar rupai aur meri beti ko bhool jao."  – The ultimate classic cliché of Bollywood! To which the poor (but as was now proven, proud) hero replied: Aap mujhe khareedna chahte hain? Mera pyaar bikau nahin hai!


- Mommy were of two types – 1) Farida Jalal. 2) Reema Lagoo. The others were more fattening.
They had two jobs -1) Weeping; 2) Making mithai for their sons, DEVOID of occasion.

- Dada/Nana was one and only – Dara Singh. Still is! Dadi/Nani was the sweetest – Zohra Sehgal. These two would always support their Grandchildren’s pyaar and give them plans to win their love.


Formula-based plot (Typical Scenarios):

- Guy loves girl. Father-in-law unhappy. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Poor guy loves rich girl. Parents unhappy. 20 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Bad guy kidnaps girl. 10 songs, 2 slow motion fight scenes, 1 big explosion later, everybody (except the bad guy) is happy.
- Guy loves girl. Guy dies in slow motion. Girl cries in slow motion. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Guy loves guy. Movie is banned in India.
- Guy 1 loves girl 1. Guy 2 loves girl 2. But, Guy 1 marries girl 2 and Guy 2 marries girl 1. 10 songs later, everybody is happy.
- Girl 1 loves guy. But guy loves girl 2. Triangle man! (also vice-versa)

- If none of the above rules are followed in a Bollywood movie, it can be assumed that the movie was ripped off of a Hollywood movie.


Dishoom Dishoom

- One bullet or one kick kills henchmen, but even a cartridge full of bullets pumped into the villain's body doesn't kill him. Observe 2 Min Silence for Rajnikanth while I say the above line.
- The hero always removes his shirt before a fight. (except for Anil Kapoor, we know why)
- The police always arrive late, after the bad guy has been killed.
- The hero diffuses the bomb only 1 second before it explodes (always confused between the red wire and the blue wire).
- The sidekick is killed by a henchman and dies only after giving a long teary speech.

- When the villain corners the hero, he points his gun to the hero's temple. But on pressing the trigger the gun ALWAYS has no bullets or misfires. Else there is a third person shooter (usually the girlfriend) who shoots the villain.
- The villain's lair (usually underground or near a volcano - I think due to cheap real estate prices) is destroyed by an explosion. Apparently, the villains lair comes with a self-destruct button.
- Fruit-carts were THE action prop. And in true Kung Fu style, the hand carts are even used to lever the hero in delivering his killer drop kick.


- All henchmen look alike and are bald and beefy. (more than apna hero)
- All henchmen attack only one at a time (i.e henchman number 5 waits for henchman number 4 to get his ass kicked and only then will he attack the hero.)
- Henchmen have a lousy shot. Even with the gun, they shoot randomly missing the hero each and every time. What an art!
- Henchmen are easy to kill. If punched or kicked, they do a somersault (anywhere between 220 to 360 degrees) and fly out of the window or a glass pane.
- Head henchman (one rung below the boss in the evil organization), is killed by the hero's sidekick.

Now, welcome the undisputed, the celebrated ..



- Bizzare names - Tehelka & Vishwatma, Gundaraaj, Crime Master Gogo! (introduced as Mogambo’s nephew), Kancha Cheena, Dong!

- Monstrous muhahahahahahahah on their entry, followed by creepy music.

- All had a catch phrase or some catch phrase that in any other language would translate to WTF. Sample these:

“Aankhen nikaal kar gotiyan khelunga”
“Gogo jab bhi aata hai kuch na kuch leke jaata hai” - Crime Master Gogo. More of him here

“Walk the Walk, Talk the Talk” – Balvant Rai

“Uparwala wrong ho sakta hain, Par Dong kabhi wrong naheen hotaaaaaaaaaaaa…” – Dong

- Special mention to Sunil Malhotra. Why? He K-k-k-k-illed it man!

- Leaving SRK, all had garish fashion sense. TACKY hair. Danny had a gel-haired look + aviators. Amrish Puri’s hair = noodles. Shakti Kapoor = Tarzan.

- They always kidnap the hero's girlfriend and they always plot elaborate schemes to kill the hero (never directly shooting him in the face).

- ULTRA desperate. Wanting that pretty chick, this pretty chick. (mirror please?)

- All are filthy rich and live in huge domes that have 1000 watts lighting. They own even tigers and shark tanks, one big fleet of bald henchmen. All do international-level business. Hence, one firang friend toh banta hai.

- Nightclubs were the preferred lair of any and every self-respecting villain.

Best things come last, hence now we have ..

The Naach-gaana

- The hero and heroine can sing, dance (around trees or that mountain/hill or this college). Shah Rukh outdid all when he danced on top of a moving train (sans security gear).

- There’s a dance troupe that jumps out of no-bloody-where for a song. The dance troupe wear a co-ordinated uniform and all their dance moves are synchronized.

- Every movie had 10 songs, inclusive of 7 item numbers (near nude girls doing pelvic thrusts). Urmila did her ‘Zor Lagake’  dance on the streets, Raveena did her  Cheez badi hai mast mast” and Pooja Bhatt did WHAT not.

- Lyrics had to be meaningless half of the time. More so, if it had Govinda. (“Aankiyon Se Goli Maare”..)

- During the song, the hero usually gives a lot of Jesus Christ type poses near cliffs. (hero = SRK)

- WHATEVER the financial situation of the hero in the movie, the songs always takes place in exotic locations like Switzerland, Greenland, Iceland, Mauritius, etc.

- The heroine changes her outfits at least 20 times during the length of the song. Many a times, the hero and the heroine wear the same color. What love huh?

- A sari may be six metres of flesh-concealing cloth but a well-timed downpour will play havoc with all modesty. Chiffon saris just become so clingy and revealing of our heroine's ample curves. (“Jo Haal Dil Ka” from Sarfarosh).

- The hero never advances beyond second base (He's too busy singing), yet in the next scene after the song the heroine is pregnant. (It’s a diwali miracle!)



------------------------------------------------------THE END-------------------------------------------------------------

(Yes, you know you miss this too.)



Ridhii Asrani

A fumbling zygote who builds air castles. If they ever do my story, they'll need high heels and superior fluttering eyelashes. I might put your heart aflutter. Or make you fall in love with the things I say.

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