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By Jose Michael in Wickked! - On

Yesterday, my best friend hopped into my house saying it would be cool if we met up and watched some nice, action filled, blood splattering movies. Instead, we ended up spending two hours on the internet “learning” about phones; well, he was looking up things while I was just nodding and getting bored. And yes, I intentionally used the word “learning” since it was excruciatingly pain streaking and mind numbing.

Long story short, let’s just simply say that instead of watching movies where people smashed each other’s brains out, I was forced to sit back and watch as my own brain was smashed into tiny lil fragments.

So today, after recovering from my loss of brain cells, I actually started to introspect the point of checking these phones out. And just like ancient Buddha realized the truth, sitting under his whatever-tree; I did too.

There is no point.

Most politely put, I personally wouldn’t buy an iPhone even if Steve Jobs was throwing in a totally different sort of ‘job’ with it too. Well, you’re probably wondering the reason for my rather strong stand of not wanting to covet after this device. I would like to explain it with the help of a little scenario that I, myself, have constructed in my mind.

[Every person etc in this story (except me) is fictional and resemblance to any… blah blah… purely coincidental]

It was the month of June like any other, in an year like any other. Then one fine day, Steve Jobs announced the new iPhone 3GS. At first I was a little skeptical and didn’t want to indulge myself into this i-craze, because I was warned by others that just like anything else awesome, this was an addiction; and a bad one at that (Although I couldn’t, at the time, think of a ‘good addiction’). So I just mainly ignored all the hype over it and went about my own business.
Only a few months post the grand launch, a close friend of mine decided to buy one and flaunt it in front of me. Being the curious on-looker that I’ve always been, I asked him, quite humbly, if I could try it out; however temporarily.

The results were spectacular!

The screen moved as though it was water! The apps came on and off with a fade! The variety of apps itself was pure bliss! It felt like I had had an orgasm of sorts : I had had my first ever e-gasm! An hour flew in a blink and I sat there with the phone in my hand, persistent that I’d give it back ‘in one minute’. Now my life had a goal. A destination. A path was broken where there was none!

But ‘alas’ (author’s note: I hate that word) there was a problem. A ‘minor’ problem, on my head atleast. That sleek little piece of heaven that I held in my hands cost a modest forty (F***ING) grand However, no triumph comes without hardship, I told myself. I cut down on some expenses and started saving up money. I call that part of my life ‘being-the-biggest-miser-I-had-ever-known’. Every single rupee was saved by haggling with autowallahs and lying to them about the lack of chhutta on me. All my t-shirts were thrifted now but I quoted the price of Rs. 500 per t-shirt to my mom.

Oh yes, I put my sweat, blood… and that other thing in my struggle.

And it finally happened. A sum of forty grand shone in my bank account as if it were an ancient re-discovered diamond. This was around the month of May the next year when I proudly went to a store and bought the iPhone. As I held it in my hands, I cherished each cell of my skin that touched the fruit of my dedicated hard work. And it felt great.

I then had, for the second time in one year, another e-gasm.

A month later while casually watching the news, I saw something that broke my heart. Steve Jobs was on the news so I cranked the volume up. My heart had almost guessed that what was going to come up next would break it; but I just just didn’t want to believe it. As I watched in silence and much anticipation, he took up a phone piece that looked a lot like mine. Except, it had cameras. Two of them. I felt a little bit of me die inside. It were as if I felt the need to mourn a close one’s death. Steve F***ing Jobs had tricked me. Just when I got my DREAM phone, he made ANOTHER phone which is even BETTER! How could he do this to me? I spent forty grand on this phone; forty precious, hard earned, haggled grand! And now…now that was just…history. Although, I did manage to survive that moment, I was never able to look at my phone with that same passion again.

The love had died. I got e-gasms no more. We were past the honeymoon period and the glaring reality was beginning to set in.
And that, is my ‘imagined’ reason for not caving in and buying any of the new damn iPhones my best friend was seemingly educating me about. 

Jose Michael

Err...hmm...I would say I'm...nah nevermind. *face-palm*

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