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By Pranit Jankoli in Wickked! - On

Good evening, Ladies and Gentleman, the date is January 1st 2050 and here’s the 7 o’clock news on your very own XYZ TV.

Starting with the world news,
Newly elected President of the U.S., Greg W. Tush reiterated the fact that he is in no way related to George Bush while winking profusely and later declaring war on Tibet.

Moving on, the new Indian Army Chief celebrated his 105th birthday today, and declared all the allegations against him to be a malicious conspiracy at a press conference in New Delhi. The press conference had to be paused half way through to allow the young bloke to take a short nap.

Arindham Chaudhuri was appointed as the new coach of the Hero Honda-Sahara-Reliance Indian Cricket Team (official executive beverage partner Pepsi) ™ ©.

His first order of business was to call upon Sachin Tendulkar to make a sensational comeback to cricket. Vinod Kambli expressed his wholehearted approval behind this.

According to a recent survey, Mr. Shyamdev Babu, a pilates instructor from Benaras has joined the India Against Corruption movement. He blamed the Mughal empire for tax-evasion and claimed all of India’s problems could be solved in a jiffy if we simply dug for treasure underneath the Taj Mahal. You can catch him on XYZ TV at 1 am tonight selling herbal medicine for impotent men.

Three women were roughed up by the Cultural Preservation Committee of ABC party in Mangalore yesterday for celebrating New Years with alcohol. They claimed that they found this behaviour offensive, it hurt their religious sentiments and was against Indian culture. It can be recalled that the aforementioned committee was also involved in the “Ban Computers” , “Abolish Valentine’s Day” movements etc. They confiscated the remaining alcohol, muttering “Party!” under their breath.

Mr. Dinesh Keshav Bose, age 27, became the first person in over 19 years to gain admission in an educational institutes in Indian without resorting to reservation, bribes or nepotism. He starts Junior College in 6 months.

Moving on to Local news from Mumbai.
There was a stampede at a local bank in Parle, when rumour spread that there was a job opening over there. Two PhDs and half a dozen MBAs died in this unfortunate tragedy.

The drinking age has been lowered to 35 after several years of protests and petitions.


And from the world of Entertainment,
Shah Rukh Khan hosted the Filmfare Awards with Ranbir Kapoor’s daughter. He awarded himself with the lifetime achievement award, his 3rd one in the last 5 years.

The Rolling Stones, accompanied by their full-fledged medical staff, few wizards and a genie played live at Bangalore. The Delhi show had to be cancelled for ‘security reasons’. Delhi guys screamed in unison “Not again!”.

Lady Gaga was run over by a truck. The driver claimed he couldn’t see her. Gaga was wearing her infamous black-outfit comprised solely of tar and gorilla fur.

Pranit Jankoli

Student. Writer. Serial killer.

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