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By Vivek Ranjan in Skkreen! - On

Q 1. Prove that Bollywood directors, writers, etc live in a parallel universe.

Ans. :
To Prove That - Bollywood directors, writers, etc live in a parallel universe and have no clue whatsoever about the real universe we live in.

Proof - Consider the example of a ‘youth based’ movie which has a generous serving of college scenes. Think about such a scene. Use your imagination.

Now try to remember a scene from YOUR college from yesterday. Or today.

All college students are wannabe b-boys

Conjure up any Bollywood movie with college scenes and you are sure to find the biggest shitfuck of an anomaly in the history of ever.
All college going kids are wannabe-hip-hopping-breaking-or-whatever-you-call-that-shit b-boys.

Any song shot in a supposed-to-be college campus will have a few guys doing headstands and all other similar, yet done to death, generic moves around the lead actors (who will be performing killa completely unique-to-Bollywood moves).

What Really Happens?
Definitely not that. Actually there isn’t much dancing happening around in colleges. Except during the fests. Where the kids more or less end up imitating the steps of the lead actors.

The probability of finding such hip-hop (or whatever) inclined people in a college is much less than finding rock aficionados or metal heads. I am not even going to mention people who like bollywood music. The probability of finding someone like that is almost 0.98.


All Nerds Are Ugly And Wear Thick Glasses

There’s always a nerd like that. How do you complete a movie without one? You know the kind - weak, skinny, ugly, thick glasses, super brainy but ultra dumb (street wise).


He probably also has a crush on one of the hottest chick. Or the fattest. Or the lead actress’ best friend. And ends up winning her heart right at the end of the movie, when surprisingly and very conveniently everything else also gets sorted out. So much for my happy ending.

Oh and the above holds true for both the sexes, btw. Except instead of being skinny, girl nerds are not exactly, erm, curvy.

What Really Happens?
Well, these nerds do exit. The same exact type - weak, skinny, ugly, thick glasses, super brainy but ultra dumb (street wise). They exist. In high schools.

They enter college after a complete makeover and they are no more weak, skinny, ugly, thick glasses, super brainy but ultra dumb (street wise).

Actually, they are. They just stop wearing huge glasses and start experimenting with substances.


We Love Basketball

Another little caveat. Apparently, we Indians love our basketball and sit around in the campus nonchalantly giving out chest passes, dribbling and showing our skills with the basketball.

We also love bright yellow L.A. Lakers’ jerseys and wear headbands and wristbands to college.

We sometimes also play a fiercely competitive game of basketball with our bestfriend, who happens to be of the opposite sex, paying no heed to the standard rules of the game. Then we do cheesy, touching the nose gestures.

What Really Happens?
Cricket. Football.


Principals Are Dumbasses

We are so rebellious. We are so cool. We hate authority. And we manifest that in our movies by portraying the quintessential head of the institute or principals, as they are so lovingly called, as complete and utter dumbasses.

And the most popular kids in campus can actually play a prank and get away with it. Got caught and proved guilty? No problem, the principal is most definitely so dumb that you can play another prank and get out. Then you can gather all your friends and have a hearty laugh.

What Really Happens?
Principals can be stereotyped into two types - the fun, caring kind and the not so fun, authoritarian kind.

Never the dumb and can be screwed around kind. ‘Cos principals are the same people who can make even the most noisiest and rowdiest of classes quiet by just making an appearance. You cannot mess with that kinda shit man. Never.


College Kids Can Make Their Own Songs

It’s a Bollywood movie. The people in it HAVE to make their own songs, spontaneously, and sing them with a catchy tune.

What Really Happens?
College songs don’t go beyond ‘Papa Kehte Hai’, ‘Pal’, ‘Yaaron’ and ‘BC Sutta’. Of course, now we can add ‘Give Me Some Sunshine’ to that list. 

Vivek Ranjan

Reader! Before you go, I just want to say you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I!

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