*During an intense meeting of The Whackk Team over the Kkover of the May issue*
KT : (insults VR)
VR : oh fuck you! I will Slam-dunk you.
KT : Slam-dunk me??
VR : haha. That’s so 90s na?!
KT : That’s so nothings man. No one ever used that in whatever decade.
VR : Dude you forgot or what. Slam-Dunk, WWF, WWE whatever...
KT : I think you mean Choke-Slam.
VR : Oh ya.. hahahaha... Shit, you remember all that...
KT : Yaaa... The WWE craze. Shit that masked guy used to be my fave. That move of...
First of all, do not judge us or our super serious and professional meetings by that conversation. That was a rare moment of lapse in concentration.
But hey, look what it got us. It gave us this cover story idea. Oh I don’t wanna lie to you, so that whole conversation was put down because we didn’t have an intro good enough for this thing.
Statutory Warning : Kids and WWE addicts should not, rather, must not read this article. We don’t wanna burst your lovely bubble of WWE just like your parents hate to burst the Santa Claus bubble. We don’t want no hatin’, we only want the lovin’!
For the rest : YES, WWE IS FAKE!!!
Further Proof :
What was that whole craze that WWE was/is. Like always, we break it down for you :
Funfact : Former WWE Superstar Batista's mom is a lesbian.
‘Larger than life’ is what comes to mind when you think of guys like ‘The Rock’, ‘Triple H’, ‘The Undertaker’ and everyone’s favourite bully ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’. Everything they did, said or wore had to be replicated at home. To hell with those ‘Don’t try this at home.’ ads.
But then how perfect were these guys in reality.
Stone Cold : Was alleged by his wife to inflict domestic violence on her (stunners, nothing major!)
The Undertaker - Was called ‘deadman’. Apparently he’s not alive. Just a soul/spirit that loves wrestling.This spirit also got married to WWE diva ‘Michelle Mc-cool’. She makes love to a deadman every night. How cool is she??!!!
Fun fact : The Rock lost his virginity at age 14, to an 18 year old girl. True story.
WWE is mainly considered a man’s sport. But limiting your audience like that does not bode well for any organisation today. Especially the kind that is into entertainment.
What’s the one thing that everyone likes? The guys as well as the gals?
Some nice girl-on-girl action, duh!
It’s part of every guy’s fantasy.
And the girls indulge in it in every sleep-over/pyjama party of theirs!
In one shot, the WWE guys managed to please both the genders (not an easy task) and hold true to their philosophy of ‘Everything Must Be Silicone Fake’.
The initial idea was to make chicks fight with each other. But then people wanted more. And voila, we have : Bikini Matches, Pillow Fights, Chocolate pools and playboy covers entering the World ‘Wrestling’ Entertainment. Entertaining for sure!
Fun fact : Andre the Giant actually fell asleep in a match against Big John Studd.
You thought Bollywood was dramatic? These Americans put B-grade bolly films to shame. It is now a known fact that WWE has script writers who write storylines for every feud building up to THE MAIIIINNNN EVENT!!!
Standard WWE Storylines :
Good guy - Bad guy
Love Triangle. (polygon in some cases)
One hero vs Gang of villains
Dirty past unearthed.
Predictable they may be, but awesome they are sure as fuck.
The best storyline written in the history of the WWE was the one about Undertaker’s past. Apparently Undertaker burned his entire family. Only his brother survived with some burns and a disturbed mental condition which forced him to wear a mask and talk through a voice box. That brother = Kane. This brother-feud went on to become the most popular rivalry in the WWE.
Of course, today it is known that Kane and The Undertaker are not at all related.
WWE writers just punk’d the entire fucking world. I salute thee!
Fun fact : MVP was put in jail for 9 years when he was 16 for armed robbery and kidnapping. MVP's dad is a cop
The finishing and signature moves of each of those superstar wrestlers is what made WWE, WWE. That and few of the other things we have mentioned above and below.
We have all tried at least two of the moves on someone else while imagining our beds as the canvas floor. But that was for the less adventurous among us. The more adventurous tried that shit out on the playground, inevitably hurting all the dickheads who were dumb enough to volunteer. And if you couldn’t find any volunteers, you could always ask your unsuspecting victim to jump (“lets see who can jump higher”), hold the sucker by the neck and slam them down. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yes, that’s how you do a choke-slam, my friend.
Funfact : Kane once gave Shane McMohan an electric shock at his penis. Now you can decide if WWE can be real.
The Flings <3
Oh, my favorite part of Monday night RAW was the budding romance between any two superstars. And it’d really help if one them was a girl. Sometimes, they’d throw in two, only two girls. Madness!!
Yeah, now you are reminiscing too, eh?! Then love stories in wrestling is that super secret ingredient that made it the big commercial success that it is today. And whoever has the genius to make Sable flirt with Torrie Wilson on television certainly deserves all the money in the world.
The best love story probably was the one with Lita (Litaaa...mmmmmm) in it. She seduced Kane so he would’t deface Matt Hardy in a match and ended up bearing his baby(?). A few weeks later she had a miscarriage (after marrying Kane, btw). In the end she showed them all the middle finger to marry Edge.
Don’t you dare to even think of her as a slut, ok. I loved Lita(mmmmmmm.....).
WWE was one of the most thrilling part of childhood. If you missed out on it just ‘cos your mom didn’t let you see it, then you were a sad uncool kid and you’ll have to live with that fact till you die a sad lonely uncool death. Yes, it may have been fake and scripted. But hey, it’s a mean task to put up such an entertaining show in front of the world. So there, I’m giving it the respect it deserves. No spiteful comments here ok!! Love you <3