I was on a quest.
My quest was simple yet as overwhelming as Frodo's trek to Mordor & as scientifically challenging as Cooper’s epic journey to the end of time itself. (Interstellar reference, I know!) *insert smug smile*
I was to find out if and why men will watch 50 Shades this Valentine’s Day.
The initial and predictable reactions from the not-so-fair sex side of friends started pouring in: “No way bro, that shit is for pansy guys. For the boobs maybe!”
And there is Mr. Grey himself. This guy is not only fit with washboard abs with a huge wang, but also flies a helicopter to his bachelor pad, plays concert-level piano and was a Chef. I am sure he was probably a chess master as well. The closest person who comes to mind who fits this description is Edward Cullen. Ugh. Eww. (Sorry Twihards!)
That’s 50 percent of the reason we’ve lost half of your male viewership already and maybe some female ones too.
But was that it? Or is there more to this? Some reasons why I think the Y chromosomes would watch this “shit”. (The content below is R-rated and extremely stereotypical of men. So, if your Alpha male ego gets wounded, don’t say you did not get a warning)
1. The basic A,B,C’s (and B,D,S,M) of it all
Why do these chicks go crazy over this Grey character like he’s some God sent fireman who can douse their burning loins?
Kya c*****a dikhta hai woh!
Our men are so fragile and touchy when it comes to the knowledge of sex and women. I mean they think they know it all. Knowledge is a slippery slope. And ‘no knowledge’- is like Rahul Gandhi on a slippery slope!
They won’t admit or discuss things like this. These sneaky bastards will be at home, downloading the movie and using these moves on their girls the next time! Let’s face the ugly truth here. It is not about getting in and out. It’s about the hot build up that leads to sex. It’s the foreplay before the foreplay that really gets to women.
That’s what our sexy Mr.Grey does oh-so devilishly well.
And probably why men will go and watch the movie while secretly taking mental notes, wishing that their girlfriends don’t roll their eyes at them and of course squirming in their chair.
2. The Lazy Guy Syndrome
These books have found a way into the possession of many-a-naughty girls; hidden from their parents and stashed away somewhere safe. Girls have suggested that this God sent story has given a ‘helping hand’ and provided an outlet to overcome long distance relationships, dreaded girls’ night outs or maybe just a rough day.
The guys are aware of this frenzy it has created. They are just as much a part of this madness as the girls. They are interested. They are curious.
But, they are lazy.
They might have sneakily skimmed through pages in the books, giving into the temptation and feasting on the juicy bits. They might have even enacted a few excerpts from the book in the bedroom. (Yeah, there’s quite a few of those!) But why go through the torture of reading 514 pages (That’s just Part 1) when the same can be done by watching the movie in 90 minutes? The movie is just an easy crash course into the hype.
“Sure, there’s a lot of buzz to it and a sense of mystery in the air. But do I want to pick up the book, put in time and actually READ it? Definitely not.
3. “I don’t do romance…my tastes are very singular” (Sometime read as ‘sexual’)
Aptly describes why a guy would watch a glorified Mills and Boons sex story even though they don’t want to admit it. Just like our mysterious Mr.Grey, guys do have a very singular and primary reason to watch this movie- Not for the romance but for the steaming hot sex scenes between the shy kitten Dakota Johnson and Jamie ‘Christian Grey’ Dornan.
F**k the story, at least there’ll be some good sex scenes, bro.
Companies, obviously, have made the most out of this situation. We came across this official 50 Shades Of Grey sex toys collection. True Story.
4. The Dominant and the Submissive
Boy- Baby, what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?
Girl- I don’t know.. you say.We’ll do whatever YOU want.
Boy- Aww..Okay.Let’s do something chilled out then.
Girl- Yeah please! I don’t want to be like one of those lovey-dovey couples.
Boy- Movie then? Which one?
Girl- OMG!OMG!OMG!Baby..the 50 shades of Grey movie is releasing! Good you suggested a movie. We HAVE to see it! That guy is so hot!
And obviously I want to watch it with YOU. *pouty smile*
You know it’s about sex,na?
Boy- Yeah babe, whatever you want.
Girl- Yayyyy! You’re the best, baby! You’re going to love it!
Boy- Yeah. Hope so.*mental note to self- KILL SELF*
This one is actually for that small percent of guys who by no fault of their own get emotionally bullied and tricked into going for this movie. This is a birds and bees, 70’s Bollywood version of sex (remember the 2 shivering flowers?) kind of Dominant and Submissive scenario.
5. “I am man, hear me roar”
Some guys will watch the movie after telling their friends about it, then post a Facebook status while starting the movie (obviously not during) and end it with their perspective on how they found the movie.
“Dude, you’re not gay if you watch this kind of chick-flick. It just proves that you are confident with your sexuality and manliness.I don’t care! Main toh dekhunga, bantai!”
*slow clap and mental slap*
In the end it’s all about macho-ism (and masochism, if you get what I mean)
While the panties are getting wet just thinking about the movie, the boxers and briefs are just as excited. They are just more…contained.
As long as Mr. Penis is in the picture, men will remain men and they won’t admit to watching or liking a corny ‘chick-flick’. That’s my conclusion to all of the hoopla surrounding this movie. Summarising my thoughts is this algorithm that I'm comfortably compartmentalizing all men to. Because I have friends with photoshop skills to materialize my easy judgments of men.
But I think men and women will unite and agree with my area of concern here-
“God! Please, please don’t let them make a Bollywood version of this!”
I don’t think I can handle a hairy Emraan Hashmi with a subdued Sunny Leone.
That’s just wrong. So wrong.
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