He was just how we like our men- Funny and a little soft around the edges. But above all, he taught us how to bottle all our repressed emotions and turn them into great inappropriate humour. Which is what we’re going to do. Make up a bunch of inappropriate, more fitting scenarios on how we think he should’ve died. Because that’s what he would have done, and also, because there’s no other way the world can deal with the fact that he willingly chose to take his life. If the funniest man on the planet couldn’t take it, then what chance do our future children have for happiness? Oh god. Here goes.
The night was young and the loins, warm. Mila Kunis, after a tiring weekend of being forced to watch all of Ashton’s films on repeat, and years of battling with daddy issues, spotted Rob looking sharp in his tweed trousers and decided to take a plunge. Much like her neckline that fine evening. RW saw the opportunity and carpe diem-ed. But as they say, Mila is not for the faint hearted.
4. Took a motherf'kin bullet for his country
That’s right. At one of the invite-only presidential soirees, Rob was entertaining Barrack by doing his famous iPhone's Siri impersonation which had the tipsy president spilling his Hors d'oeuvres all over Michelle’s gown in mirth. Diagonally opposite, the U.S army lieutenant general was showing Tyra Banks his gun, all the while hinting that there was a bigger gun waiting if she would care to accompany him to the guest chambers. Tyra flicked her hair in boredom, and Lt. Gen. accidently fired a shot in anticipation. Robin, at that unfortunate moment chose to give ol’ Obama a good natured hug. Bystanders claim that Robin knew it was coming. Son of a gun.
3. That one elaborate alien abduction theory
As the world struggled to get back on its feet post The Avengers, Robin knew in his heart that the aliens were after something bigger than world domination or Black Widow’s fetching behind. And right he was. One balmy evening, as he stepped out for a falafel, this super cool neon spaceship appeared out of nowhere and beamed him up. A week later, Hrithik Roshan, while prepping for Krrish 5, picked up faint signals which suspiciously sounded like a bunch of aliens chanting O’ Captain, My Captain.
2. Doctor Who crossover
This can happen to anybody. The terrible Vodafone signal took Rob to top of the Empire State building. Where, much to his surprise, he stumbled upon a quaint looking telephone booth, with a man comfortably leaning against it. ‘Does it work?’ Rob enquired. “Allons-y!!” replied the stranger, enthusiastically chewing on a straw. Taking it as an affirmation, RW walked in and walked out at Adipose 3, the lost breeding planet of Adipose.
1. Pour some Jello on me
Robin went for his fortnightly swim in a pool of Jello. Knowing RW and his fierce love for everything Jelly, he decided to chew on a mouthful. The tasting turned into happy frenzied gorging. He’s now in a blessed sugar coma and not complaining. Night nurses claim that his heart monitor occasionally abandons its zigzags and forms the words ‘Totally worth it’.
While we’d like to pretend that Robin passed away happy or found an alternate, awesome universe to change, the fact remains that people who seem the happiest on the outside, are often masking a disturbed interior. Therefore, if you think you’re in trouble and need help, we urge you to talk to someone about it. Family, friends, good looking strangers in bars. If nothing else works, drop us a mail for an occasional snippet of useful advice or some good old inappropriate humour to cheer you up.