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By Geetashree Hazarika in Wickked! - On

A month before I flew down with a parchment belonging to the jewel encrusted crest of the archangel Raphael, who had major issues socially, he planted a stone on his heart and parted with the document. I ran a test drive at the cost of my public image and sorted the plausible ones. A cursory look at some of the ways to avoid an unwanted conversation can salvage millions of lives and livestock, and also being totally sensitive towards the fact that I worked so hard.

1. The Book Reading Act (improved)

Books? But before delving into outrageous chest beating, hear it complete. Books, indeed. This method is useful during in-fight situations. A vertigo squeezing the wind pipes is not even remotely as lethal as the threats of a nosy seat-mate.

Worst case scenario: Even a much- practiced book-reading act is not enough to keep them within the barricades. A strong statutory improvisation technique is needed hence.

Feel and relish the repulsion when you are caught reading: Living With Crazy Buttocks by Kaz Cooke or The Best Amercian Sex Writing, maybe People Who Don’t Know They Are Dead, even the Lesbian Safety Manual is a kicker! Works wonders every single time.



2. T-shirts

Proven to be the best, going by the acute visual impact caused. The blasphemous tag lines carried around on so many t-shirts can be put into some good use, I presumed. Paint the town magenta (I have my options) by letting the t-shirt speak for you.

Take inspiration from sorts like ‘I am a cannibal, I feast on nosy mongers’, ‘I am allergic to bullshit like you’. Live through when the shit gets real, because otherwise it is either them shoving it up yours or you volunteering to eat it up. A pretty picture is not so much as painted with magenta here.

Step outside the house. Strut towards the nearest t-shirt dealer.

Give him a purpose for his life, get t-shirts that would make the prying ones cringe and kiss Moses’s feet crying for forgiveness.



3. A Misanthropist’s Ear-buds

They go a longgg way. Ear-buds go by convention and are dated back to the period when Adam used them to survive Eve’s clatter (but he still died of incessant ear-bleed. How much chance he stood anyway, being the only guy hanging around with the only female who going by the talks is a handful?). Still golden, the enigmatic ear buds have pushed many artists into a brief period of romanticism who wrote glory songs regarding them excessively; during which they of course gave a pass to any possibility of wealth. Eventually their works were conveniently burnt. That’s the part which explains why your mother never told you about them. Years of usage evolved the practice and we got a misanthropist’s ear buds. No one would speak about this, but know this that the chief reason behind the making of ear-phones is that only.


4. Accessorize

Vividly. Explicitly. For starters placing a voodoo doll wherever one considers settling down momentarily ward off most of the nosy mongers. Vary the accessories accordingly. The Egyptian Horus eye can be worn as a necklace. The Horus eye widely renowned to be a symbol protection. A garlic as a whole can add up to the trendiness.

Rest assured Horus Eye or not but enough eyes will be caught and you be spared.




5. Knitting In General

Precisely, knitting a tiger skin is smooth enough. Like the old lady in the woods knitting in her front porch who would flicker a toothless grin at the stranded person at her doorstep, who in turn is eventually hacked into pieces when he accepts her invitation for tea. I say the shizziest bed-time story ever! Grandmothers’ empowerment is what it is. Believe, you, me, shit works as you rise and shine as the audacious granny.

The world is your oyster and there are no SOBs to stop you from reading that magazine at peace or jerk off that unwanted aunty. Something that Farida Jalal says in DDLJ comes vividly at this point:
Ja Simran… Ji le apni zindagi.
This shit could never get corny ever!

Hence, may Farida Jalal watch over you.   

Geetashree Hazarika

stoned, crazy, insanely merry, laughs at about anything. not me, the santa, in the picture. I vent my rants here: and do some more here:!/GHz_lurker

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