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By Vivek Ranjan in Wickked! - On

Whoa! That's the bling-iest start to any of our articles, ever!

I don’t mean to tell you how to lead your life. That would be bloody presumptuous, arrogant, pretentious and downright uncool of me. But hey, a little bit of free and friendly advice never hurt anyone did it? Especially the kind I am just about to unload on y’all. This is more for me, than anybody else. I really hope I don’t end up doing one of the things I am going to mention.

Tis It is that time of the year again. The year is coming to an end. Every publication, except us (because we are lazy, nay, cool like that), is coming out with their own best-of-this-year list which is very different from every other best-of-this-year list. It is also that time of the year when we are stuck in a cycle of cliches. Doing the same things NYE after NYE. Fret not, dear reader. We shall save you from this dreadful cycle and redeem humanity. Just make sure you DO NOT do any of the following..

6. Go For The Country Club New Year Party

 

The Country Club New Year Bash promotions are difficult to miss. The advertisements are in the newspapers, billboards, every-bloody-where. The Country Club guy thrusting his fat thumbs in your face cannot be avoided. Try as much as you want, you cannot possibly look away from that.

But should you go for the NYE party this dude is throwing all over the country? NEVER!

Why Shouldn’t You?

Let’s start with this video..

 

 

Did you just say, “OMG LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!”. If you did, you have a mental condition. If not, you were probably shaking your head in disappointment and simultaneously laughing your ass off. THAT is why you shouldn’t go for this gig.

Also, I don’t trust this fat dude. He looks creepy. If you look into his eyes, you will see he is a man with a plan. An evil plan. An evil megalomaniacal plan to take over the world. By attending and paying to attend his party, you are just going to help fund this plan of his.

Do you want that kind of blood on your hands?

 

5. Pass Out Before Midnight

A lot of people decide to go easy with their drinks on NYE. Especially until midnight. Because, nobody wants to get raving drunk and miss out on the tacky countdown to the next year.

But nobody said, “Tonight we drink in moderation!”. Ever.

Why Shouldn’t You?

We have already established you are not going to drink in moderation. Yes, we have. What are you? Pansy?

Apart from the fact that you are going to miss the moment you are actually partying for and dropping all that cash on. A few other reasons :
1. You are going to miss out on that midnight kissing thing people with a significant other do. I heard its pretty cool. Not sure why.
2. People are going to call you up. A friend who will have to manhandle you, to wake your sorry drunk ass up, and then you are going to wish those people in a drunken, half-passed out stupor slurring your words and saying incoherent things. What if it’s your grandmother on the other side of the phone? Awwwwkward.
3. You are going to be passed out at midnight on NYE. You really want reasons to not be in that state. Seriously?


4. Hook Up With Your Ex

 

These new year’s parties are the worst. They charge almost double for stags. DOUBLE! Couples get in so easily. What’s up with that, man?

If you are an unfortunate soul and single during this time of the year, calling up your ex would sound like a pretty good idea. I mean you only have to pay half for these awesomesauce parties all around town. Who would want to miss out on a deal like that?

Why Shouldn’t You?

If pop culture and (especially) television have taught us anything, hooking up with anyone on NYE is never a good idea. Unless you are in a feel good rom-com movie. Then EVERYTHING is a good idea.

As a general rule, hooking up with your ex might never be a good idea. But if you are going to spend a night with them mostly surrounded by a horde of strangers and some good friends, getting shit faced wasted, some old issues are most certainly going to boil up and bite you in the ass.

Also, if you are a single, hot, a true lady and looking for a good time. E-mail me maybe? You can see I am a funny nice guy, right? That’s all you women want na. C’mon. Send that mail. You know you want to.

3. Watch That TV Special

TV is a magical object. Its like crack, it gets you hooked on, destroys your brain, you just can’t get enough of it and you end up stealing your poor, old, dying mother’s television set to get another fix. The only way it isn’t similar is that TV don’t get you high, brah. It’s magical in other ways too, and we will let that lady from Glee do the talking/singing here..

 

 

That was largely directed at American TV, but you get the point.

Inn gawahon ko mudde nazar rakhte hue hai, we wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to turn off the lights, light up some scented candles, curl up on the couch, throw a blanket over yourself and watch whatever ghastly new year’s eve special the channels are going to inflict upon the country.

Why Shouldn’t You?

You read the last paragraph right? Did you notice the adjective I used for the new year’s eve specials? I used ghastly. That’s right. People still use that word. No, 1923 did not call and ask me to return that word.

I have spent enough of my childhood (and some not so childhood) years watching these specials to know how mind numbingly boring and tortuous they all are. They promise you the world and instead give you awkward performances by “stars” you couldn’t care less about.

 

 

Screw you TV!

 

2. Get A Haricut

We know, we know. Even after we told you NOT to call up that ex of yours, you are going to do it anyways. ‘Cause you are a bitch like that.

You probably want to look good for them too, don’t you? For that you are going to go get that haircut you have been putting off for so long.

Hey, Its cool. We get that you want to look nice. Everybody does. Especially if they are going for a party. But before you rush off for that haircut, hear us out, yeah?

Why Shouldn’t You?

You can work out and lose all that flab for the party. Later on, if you were to suddenly decide that slim isn’t your look, you can always gorge like a maniac and become fat again.

What are you going to do about a bad haircut? You can’t possibly grow all that hair back in a matter of few hours.

What you could do is, lock yourself in a dark room and sit in a corner hoping that no one sees you.

Or you could wear a fez. Fezzes are cool. Says who?

 

1. Watch Porn

Porn is awesome. 22 years of being single has lead me to this sacred conclusion. I will die defending porn if I have to. You can watch 10 times more attractive people do the deed in high definition and enjoy the whole act without getting up from your couch. Waaaay more effective than spending time seducing someone and spending all that time and cash for nought, I say!

A lot of people have spent (guilty!) or are going to spend one or more new years eve watching porn. This seems like a global phenomenon. Something men and women all over the world do. This phenomenon is quite understandable too. It is one of those times when lonely people feel realllllly lonely. It's like valentines day without the whole lovey-dovey mushiness. Dating sites too see a surge in traffic just before NYE.

But if porn is as awesome as I say it is, what’s the problem. A wise wo/man once said, porn is defined as anything that you lose interest once you are done masturbating. Therein lies the whole problem.

Why Shouldn’t You?

What are you going to do once you are done stroking your ‘ego’? The adult entertainment industry isn’t known for its brilliant plot development skills or story lines. If you are a guy, you probably won’t last more than 10 minutes. If you are of the opposite gender, you will probably get bored after a while. There’s only so much rubbing a woman can take (right?).

So what are you going to do afterwards? Lather, rinse, repeat?

Man. You don’t want to begin the year with a friction burn. And various parts of your body are going to start aching after a while. Respect your body and stop abusing it!

Since you won’t have anything to do, you will wallow in the knowledge that you don’t have anyone to do those things to you the pretty couple/group is currently doing on the screen.

And then you will go watch those ghastly TV specials.

 

Vivek Ranjan

Reader! Before you go, I just want to say you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I!

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