It isn't as easy as it looks. Now, stop looking at me like that.
Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Date someone who doesn’t own a car. Or find someone born to parents who don’t trust them with their pet parrot, let alone the car. Trust me, I’m medicated and I almost always know what I’m saying. You will meet this specimen at the local bar. Your local watering hole where many, like yourself, gather for the regular weekend human sacrifice to the higher order of teachers, monks and if you're not paying the bill that night, Scottish men who love to walk. But allow me to digress a tad bit. You know what to do. You've played the game before and you know the cheat codes. But you need to know what I'm about to tell you right now.
Rickshaws were made for making out.
Yes, my regular Jagdeep-from-the-block, rickshaws were made so that you and preferably, a willing partner could experience what some have defined as "a soul-changing" experience. Rickshaws are also known as the "tuk-tuk" in Sri Lanka. I like saying tuk-tuk so I'll be referring to ricks as "tuk-tuk" from here on.
The tuk-tuk make out session is a right of passage for every space-cramped, privacy-lacked Indian who wishes to live a night of shameless indulgence and this time, he's willing to pay the price. This time the price being the night fare that rick's charge but hey! no one said it was going to be cheap. So, do yourself and your grandchildren a favour. Leave your false sense of erudition behind along with that last pint of beer and find this specimen so that you both can slide into that fake leather-seated, dull-scented, poorly lit backseat of a tuk-tuk. Liberate yourself from the handcuffs of society that tell you that this unashamed act of dizzy fun is wrong and poor social conduct. Handcuff yourself to the possibility of that speed bump on the road that’ll take you to the sky and back.
There's a thin line between making out in a tuk-tuk and adventure sports. Trust me. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still (I’m still) Jenny-from-the-block.
Call it a checklist or last minute revision notes but here's a list of things to keep in mind.
Have a seat. Tuk-tuk make out 101 is in session.
1) The Obstacles:
Tuk-tuk make outs can be tricky. We're dealing with the combined forces of wind, uneven momentum, onlookers, rain, traffic, dust cloud, eunuchs, poor lighting, muddy potholes, peanut sellers, eunuchs, kids trying to sell you pirated versions of The Secret, election campaigns and wait, did I mention eunuchs? You will need to zero down your world to the backseat of that holy trail and drown out all those voices. This takes time, but you get there eventually. Yes, eunuchs.
2) Yoga helps:
Make outs of this precise nature tend to be very physically tiring. Limber up a little before you hail a tuk-tuk. If you're a contortionist, you were born to make out in one and you may stop reading this. I wish you luck in all your future make out adventures. But for the rest of us mortal civilians, the only form of contortion we've ever experienced is the 9:00 Churchgate local. So this may come as a rude shock but all in all, it's a good stretch. And I don't know about you but I could use a good stretch now and then.
3) Mind Your Surroundings (Credit : Ras Al Ghul)
Positioning is key. Again, limber up. Do a couple of lunges and neck rolls in seclusion. I repeat this because there's a reason I called the line thin between this and adventure sports. And if you think I'm joking, don't come crying when you can't move your neck after having gone over a bump when your back was busy playing join the dots with player 2, if you know what I mean.
4) Red Means STOP!
Rookie mistake alert! - Stop the make out session when the tuk-tuk stops at the traffic signal. You'll be thanking god for traffic signals. To avoid that awkward silence, ask the person their name, maybe. Ask them what they think about the upcoming elections. Check your mail. Sip on some water. Think of it as a time-out before entering the ring again. Read this last minute revision note again, just so you know you haven't forgotten anything.
5) Plan - Pay - Pet:
You may forget this amidst the heavy petting but you're still using public transport at the end of the day. That means the meter is ticking and so is the clock. There is only so many times the driver's going to roam around the same lane. Plan your move and don't chicken out. You may have to pay a few extra bucks, yes but fortune favours the bold, brother.
6) No Unbutton Rule:
Over-the-top jeans action is fine but anything more and we've just entered slutville. There's a class to it. Sure, at face value, what you're doing is "cheap" but that word is so overused these days. Don't let your freak flag fly too high. Nobody likes an exhibitionist. At least not in Chembur East, I hear.
7) Pace it, man!
Pace yourself a little. You can't exactly charge people for viewing what you're doing. In other words, you may be activating a few barf reflexes.
So, watch the hands, pal. I know it's been a while but people are returning home after a hard day and no one wants to see that. You had to know this. Tough love, baby.
8) Almost A Threesome:
That poor driver dude has had to watch the back seat events roll by for the past half-hour. Whenever he looked in to his rear-view, his field of vision was obstructed by your panting, sweating awkwardness and that weird expression your face makes when you got too excited. At least give the dude a couple extra bucks. It's the least you could do after he was forced into a front row seat to a movie he didn't want to watch.
9) Scan Before Leaving:
Since you were so preoccupied with other thing, the possibility of you having left something behind is high. Pat down your pocket when you get off, the tuk-tuk. Do a quick mental run through.
Wallet - check
Mother calling on the cellphone- reality check
If you don't bother checking, then this might turn into the most expensive tuk-tuk ride of your life.
10) Ladka-Ladki Aur 'Woh'
Pick a young driver who's either too tired or looks like he doesn't give a rat's ass. The old guys with the religious emblems hanging from the dash, he's been doing this for a long time. Spare him. Think about how many dizzy headed lunatics like you this guy has endured.
Just because you've indulged in some heavy petting in a moving vehicle, don't assume that you have this down to the last knock. You need to work on it. That's the beauty of yuk-tuk make outs. Sure, it's not the best thing to see when you're going to pick your kids from school but who cares!? These are moments you remember when you're at an old age home and the only thing exciting is that time of the day when the nurse changes your adult diapers. True story. The thing about tuk-tuk make outs isn't the gigglish fun that it comes with. For me, it's a of complete freedom. You're 18, you have blood running through your veins and you're screaming at the world, "Look world! I'm making out in a tuk-tuk and I got the wind in my air and I'm alive!". So, if you think about the number of inexplicable roadside transportations that go well with the first base, this is just the law of averages finally working itself out.
There you have it. If you haven’t locked lips in the back of a tuk-tuk, I suggest getting on that before your glory years pass you by. And if you’re making out in a tuk-tuk while reading this on your phone, then congratulations! You’re officially the no. 1 fan of Whackk! Message me on Twitter and I’ll buy you a drink.