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By Mehernaz Patel in Wickked! - On

Sex is a taboo.

EGAD! You don’t say.

Yes, indeed youngling. It’s actually not all that socially acceptable to talk vigorously about your horizontally inclined activities in public.

But so what man, we can do what we want with our lives man. Youth power man. Even Rahul Gandhi said.

I am not sure if that’s what he meant.

I’m telling you dude. It’s all about your own choices.

Even if you choose to ignore that debatably realistic sample conversation, it's really not news to anybody between ages 14 to married that copulating in India is pretty hard. The differentiating messages from all sides are just so confusing.

Your friends say yes. Your government says “Do what you want just close the door please”. The media you could have sworn says yes but no, not really.  Kind of like your girlfriend.

Your parents however have probably stuck to a no. Since independence and then onwards, there are not too many mums and dads who are willing to provide you with condoms, locked doors and mood music. Instead every time a prospective lover is over he/she is probably too turned on by the endless onslaught of dhokla and masala chai to care about you anyway.

 

 

But contrary to popular thought here are 3 good reasons why you should probably listen to your mom when she insists you watch TV in the hall when your boyfriend is over.

 

1. Location, Location, Location

 

 

As a Mumbai person, I can’t stress enough the importance of space. And an air-conditioner. And a nice bed which doesn’t smell exactly like the crotch of the people who used it before you. Unless you’re one of those cool upwardly mobile people who live away from their parents, home isn’t an option. And unless you’re loaded neither is the Marriot or Trident or *insert classy sounding common noun here*.
The best you can do is wait and watch till your friend throws a party, show your face and then disappear into his (or probably his mom’s) boudoir and get it on. Conversely if you’re more of a shady hotel kind of person, never fear. They are pretty understanding.

And crowded, and legally obliged to have some copy of your ID with your and more awkwardly your college’s name on it. Also your contact number. Plus, they know. They’ll always know.

 

2. Right(?) to Information

 

What do you really know about sex anyway? Insert A into …D**M! Where’d B go again? Wait was that C? What does C do anyway?

Sex is a beautiful union of two awkwardly naked people. But the union is more like operating a washing machine the first few times around. You were promised easy to push buttons, but have no clue where they are. There are way too many options for a very similar kind of motion. The machine said it would clean stuff up but now you’re left with a crumpled wet heap that will take forever to dry out.

Because even though you swear you looked online - YouPorn doesn’t count - there are a few things that need proper explanation. Preferably from a professional, or a trained educator. The former can be easily found as long as you can afford it. The latter, well think back to your school days how happy was your physics teacher while trying to awkwardly explain what a condom does?

Sex education is a serious issue, but for the moment it ends at penis-vagina-boomboom-baby. There was a small paragraph in our text books about STDs and the closest we’ve come to understanding contraception is from the bathrooms in cinemas. This is probably only for the ladies though.

Because every time we pee we need to be reminded about the babies we might have dormant in our insides right now. As we speak.

 

3. Inflation

No I’m not suggesting that sex got expensive. Sex with yourself is free. Honestly, if you’ve subscribed to see naked people on your monitors, you have a lot of serious prioritizing ahead of you.
What I’m suggesting is that sex got expensive indirectly. Most people aren’t very good at looking at someone and instantly convincing them to indulge in a quick horizontal samba -the ones who are feel free to leave your numbers below. 

For most of us, getting to nookie was probably a road paved with cutesy hanging out, some ridiculously expensive popcorn, so much so every time your date takes a bite, a small bit of you dies and a lot of talking. It must be put here alcohol is a safe substitute for all of the above; still it’s not free either.

Then once you’ve got around the formalities there’s the room, air-conditioning bills, lingerie you might buy and burn because of how uncomfortable it is and of course-a sheath for your valiant sword.  Sheaths that you will buy by the ton…because what if one rips?

Can they rip?

Maybe they’ll make good balloons.

There’s banana flavours? NO WAY!

That will be about 250 rupees though.

 

Mehernaz Patel

Conversationalist. Bottled Water Enthusiast. Avid Slaughterer of Fluffy Bunnies.

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